If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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