the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
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you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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