the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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