So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
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Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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