last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
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If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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