I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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