woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
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at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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