Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
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I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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