I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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