I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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