sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
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Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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