how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sacagawea was the original milf.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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