When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
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We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
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My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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