i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So many bounce houses so little time
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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