Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
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Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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