true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i love accidental penises.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
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im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
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This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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