did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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