Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
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My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
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I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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