I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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