Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
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Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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