he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
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Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
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He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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