did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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