I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
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Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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