my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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