I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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