I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
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oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
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I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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