i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
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Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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