I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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