Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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