im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
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Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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