I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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