I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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