so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
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The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
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