I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
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you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
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Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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