There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
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You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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