Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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