I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
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He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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