matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
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Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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