why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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