I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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