I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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