Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
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I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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