tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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