First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
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He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
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Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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