Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
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I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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