he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize