Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize