Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
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He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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