The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
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He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
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I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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