she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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